Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy New Year

Hello my friends!
How are you?
I know that it has been a long time since I have posted, Aug I think.
I am doing ok, anxiety and depression are still by my side and I am fighting my way through day by day.
I am sorry this isn't going to be a happy post or one with pretty pictures, but I wanted to say to you all that I am so grateful for everything you have given me these last three years of blogging.
I have met some wonderful friends, some near and some far and some that I will have forever.
I thank you for those that have emailed to check up on me, I really cant' tell you how much that means to me.
I have been absent from my computer, using it mainly for printing pictures for my paintings.  Painting has helped me and I can get lost in it and not worry what my brain is thinking or not thinking.
I have sold a few to friends and hopefully this year, when I am ready, I can get them out there.
Depression is so up and down and there are days that my brain can't stop racing with things that I need to do, what to do, don't want to do, should do, I get pulled into so many directions that I can't concentrate on one thing.  I feel like there are so many ways to go, so many choices, but at the same time I feel bound or tied up like in a straight jacket struggling to get a sense of a normal feeling or direction.
I know that many of you struggle with the same thing, and for that I am so very sorry.  Please know that you are not alone.
I never know what the day is going to bring for me, sad, happy, angry, numb. All of these run through me.  I cry, I yell, I shut the world out at times.  I feel alone even though I am surrounded by people.  I can't make them understand something that I don't even understand.  Frustration plays a big part in it too as well as physical pain, which does not hinder me but it is just one of those reminders that the depression is still there.
I am set off by things one time and then another I am fine.
The meds are helping but it could take up to a year or so.  So while they work on my chemicals I struggle to work on my heart and soul.
I see a therapist, which is ok but the most help that I have gotten through this is my Spiritual Director.  She has been amazing and she is an artist as well, which helps so much.  She has shown me how to put my words that I cannot find into my art and writing, although I am not much of a writer.
There are good things that have come from this thing called Depression, I have learned many things about myself, even relearned things that I have long put aside.  I have done things that I normally would not have done, like fly all by myself to see my best friend.  Believe me that is one huge leap!! :)
Anyway, I know we all struggle with something, that's life I guess, no one is shielded from the hurt.  But we are also made to conquer things, get through them the best we know how.  Who knows, we may even help someone else who is struggling with the same thing.
We do our best as mothers, fathers, sons and daughters and I have realized that there are no "super" people, just people living their lives, feeling pain, sorrow, regret, happiness, joy, anger and love and doing what is best for them. 
I suppose struggles are good for us, make us stronger and make us look deeper if we choose to and maybe, in the end, in the light, we will find peace and joy and a better understanding of who we are, who God really made us to be and closer to Him.
I long for the top of the pit that I am slowly crawling out of and I know I will gt there one step at a time, one day at a time.  I am aware of set backs and I aware that this may be something that I deal with the rest of my life.  But I guarantee one thing to myself, that I will never let it fully consume me and I will fight because fortunately for me, I am too stubborn to give up and my heart and soul are strong because I know that He is carrying me until I can walk on my own two feet again.
I am also writing this to tell you that this is my last post.
My heart has been drawn into a different direction and I must listen to it for now.
I can't thank you all enough for all your amazing support through the years, I am so blessed to have been a part of a wonderful network of woman who truly care.
I will leave my blog up for a while and my email is always, always open.
I will also be stalking you from time to time, seeing what amazing things you have come up, what inspirational words you have written from your heart and just to say hi.
Today is not a good day for me but tomorrow is a new day, a new year.
I wish you love, blessings, joy and yes, even struggles because without those, we cannot truly appreciate the joy that He has blessed us all with. 
Stay positive in this world of hurt and never lose sight of the light that He shines for us.
I love you all and may God bless you in many ways.

Many, many hugs to you all!!!!!



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